Thursday, December 29, 2011

Birthday Wish

I am writing this a few short minutes before my 29th birthday. I have found over the last few years I seem to take the days before my birthday and think over my life. What has happened over the last 365 days, and where the next 365 will take me. As I look back I always seem to think of the struggles of life. But today I thought of the good things. The milestones that marked my growing in to who I am. I honestly didn't think it was possible to have gotten to some of the heights I was. But I did it and even though I am not there now... I know I will be again.

From my childhood three events stand out as defining moments.
My bike wreak in to the pine trees when I was first learning how to ride. I remember being scared that the tree was getting close, to scared to turn. That was the first of some really horrifying wreaks. Several I still have scars from.
There was a time I rode my bike nearly 10 miles to go see someone and didn't stop. I just rode by and back home. Again scared for a completely different reason. I always think of that moment as one that defined me. I have never really broken from that scared nature that I had at that time. But it was one of the first truly bold, out-of-box moves I ever made and the rest of my life I have built on that to where I am today.
The last event was the time of my first rebellious act of independence. I wasn't as old as you think, but I worked very hard that day to disobey and to not do what I expected to do. I had logical reasons at the time for my actions. Because of that day they are still some of the same reasons I have today for my actions. That day taught me something bigger then the events that happened. It taught me that no matter right from wrong, most people will try to force their will on you. They will try and mold you in to what they think you should be. I think that was the event that pushed me to make sure I was like no one else.

In my high school years things were not all that interesting. I was in social shock most of the 4 years. Coming from a BFE area rural family, going to a very small catholic school, and basically not really having anyone other than my family to be friends with would do that to anyone I would think. Even after 4 years I never really got the hang of the social world.
My first real girlfriend. Not anyone I would be interested in today. But young men don't think with their heads on their shoulders. I was no different. It taught me a lot, but at the same time it hurt me. It skewed my views enough to cause pain later in my life. It also helped me build a different version of myself after I realized the truth of it all. It was worth the pain.

In my early adult life I made great strides in life and tripped more then I hopped.
I was married before I even realized what that really meant. I missed a lot because of my devotion to that idea of marriage, I gained a lot too. It allowed me to get away from the place I grew up. Got me further in to the world than I wanted to think about and now can't stop thinking about. It took me to a place that I enjoyed and want in my life again. It created more hurt and pain then I had experienced before and to this day clouds my past. Thinking back I very rarely don't think about that dark time. It is what drives me forward.
After the marriage my life became... interesting... for a while. I wasn't thinking, I was just doing. It was the college life I never had, kinda. I was old enough to make sure I was responsible but I was able to release and not care. To walk away from the things before and forget what I had to deal with in the real world. I found people during that time that changed me... taught me that the values I have are mine and are important to me. Before that time in my life I hadn't defined myself and what I believed. I was a roamer. Doing what ever I thought was right at the time. I started piecing myself together after that. Most of it can be read in this blog. From my first post on my MySpace blog, to the move to hosted blog, to the full move to my own domain. It is a journey of myself in words. I have learn more from my own words in this blog then I could have ever learned just roaming around looking for answers. I don't answer questions on here... I explore them, just like the ideas before my birthday. I have put in to words small times I remember. In doing so I unlocked more details and endless ideas from those small events. That is the reason for my typed ramblings.

I don't know what the next 365 will hold but I will make it better then the prior 365. My only wish is for all good things for all the good people I have known, will know, loved, and will love.


Sunday, December 25, 2011

the truth

I was up really late one night. I for some reason decided to listen to some music. A few songs played that I really like. They are the types of songs that make you really feel the intent of the words in your heart. Songs with feeling and meaning. I have heard them dozens of times. This time was different. This time it sparked an idea of truth that I have always tried to uncover and seemed only skirt in all of my endless ramblings and thoughts. The truth was revealed when I put the ideas in the songs together and applied them to my life. Not as it is now but the entire history.

By looking at how my life became what it is today from the simple points of view there is a pattern that shows itself. This simple truth should have been easier to spot and understand before now. And to a point I have. But for some reason I was missing a layer of understanding. I find that is how a lot of things are in my life. I know all of this and all of that but I am missing one simple common thing that makes 2 and 2 come together. Today I understand myself a little more. The first step is recognizing you have a problem in the 12 step programs. I guess figuring out your self can follow the same logic. You have to see the trees, the brush, and weeds before the forest makes any since. It is baby steps.

The truth is... well it doesn't really matter what this truth is. Learning to understand what it is and the reason it effects me so much does.

I have been writing in this blog for a few years now. Every time I do I seem to understand myself more. I grow by trying ideas and exploring thoughts. I once thought i was trying to changing myself. I have realized that I don't need to change... I need to understand. I don't know myself as well as I had thought I did. Life has raised questions that have been getting harder and harder to answer. The more I dig the more I have fallen back on my old ways of thinking. That life will work out. Things will fall in to place. I know that isn't true. I made things happen before and I can do that again. I need to keep that faith that my hard work will pay off and it will cause good things to come for both myself personally, professionally, and that leads to being able to be there for everyone else.

I have set a goal for myself. It is a very long term goal but I know I can get there. Now I start the planning and doing to reach that goal. First step... setting some milestones.


Thursday, December 1, 2011


I know we all live with it from time to time. Some of us on a daily basis. Over the last few months my frustrations over the disappointments in my life, work, and just generally about the world have been growing more and more hostile. I find myself not allowing them to roll off me like I have taught myself to do in the past. Things just aren't the same here. I feel like I live in a unforgiving and hostile environment. The weather is always out to try and kill you. If it isn't constant rain, it is ice, snow, or fog. I don't think I have seen the actual sun in weeks. The people here don't make it any easier. The few that are actually good at what they do or are good people usually get a superiority complex and end up being complete assholes. The bar for being good at ones job is far lower here as well. I know why nearly everyone with a truly successful future leaves this place. Everyday I am reminded of why I left the first time and it just makes me more sad everyday that I was forced to move back here.

I guess I am just sick of being back at the bottom of the world again. I was in a good place not so long ago. I had potential... now it just feels like I am on a dead end road with no brakes. I don't know what is at the end but it isn't looking good. I miss the good times. I am working hard to bring them back.