Thursday, December 29, 2011

Birthday Wish

I am writing this a few short minutes before my 29th birthday. I have found over the last few years I seem to take the days before my birthday and think over my life. What has happened over the last 365 days, and where the next 365 will take me. As I look back I always seem to think of the struggles of life. But today I thought of the good things. The milestones that marked my growing in to who I am. I honestly didn't think it was possible to have gotten to some of the heights I was. But I did it and even though I am not there now... I know I will be again.

From my childhood three events stand out as defining moments.
My bike wreak in to the pine trees when I was first learning how to ride. I remember being scared that the tree was getting close, to scared to turn. That was the first of some really horrifying wreaks. Several I still have scars from.
There was a time I rode my bike nearly 10 miles to go see someone and didn't stop. I just rode by and back home. Again scared for a completely different reason. I always think of that moment as one that defined me. I have never really broken from that scared nature that I had at that time. But it was one of the first truly bold, out-of-box moves I ever made and the rest of my life I have built on that to where I am today.
The last event was the time of my first rebellious act of independence. I wasn't as old as you think, but I worked very hard that day to disobey and to not do what I expected to do. I had logical reasons at the time for my actions. Because of that day they are still some of the same reasons I have today for my actions. That day taught me something bigger then the events that happened. It taught me that no matter right from wrong, most people will try to force their will on you. They will try and mold you in to what they think you should be. I think that was the event that pushed me to make sure I was like no one else.

In my high school years things were not all that interesting. I was in social shock most of the 4 years. Coming from a BFE area rural family, going to a very small catholic school, and basically not really having anyone other than my family to be friends with would do that to anyone I would think. Even after 4 years I never really got the hang of the social world.
My first real girlfriend. Not anyone I would be interested in today. But young men don't think with their heads on their shoulders. I was no different. It taught me a lot, but at the same time it hurt me. It skewed my views enough to cause pain later in my life. It also helped me build a different version of myself after I realized the truth of it all. It was worth the pain.

In my early adult life I made great strides in life and tripped more then I hopped.
I was married before I even realized what that really meant. I missed a lot because of my devotion to that idea of marriage, I gained a lot too. It allowed me to get away from the place I grew up. Got me further in to the world than I wanted to think about and now can't stop thinking about. It took me to a place that I enjoyed and want in my life again. It created more hurt and pain then I had experienced before and to this day clouds my past. Thinking back I very rarely don't think about that dark time. It is what drives me forward.
After the marriage my life became... interesting... for a while. I wasn't thinking, I was just doing. It was the college life I never had, kinda. I was old enough to make sure I was responsible but I was able to release and not care. To walk away from the things before and forget what I had to deal with in the real world. I found people during that time that changed me... taught me that the values I have are mine and are important to me. Before that time in my life I hadn't defined myself and what I believed. I was a roamer. Doing what ever I thought was right at the time. I started piecing myself together after that. Most of it can be read in this blog. From my first post on my MySpace blog, to the move to hosted blog, to the full move to my own domain. It is a journey of myself in words. I have learn more from my own words in this blog then I could have ever learned just roaming around looking for answers. I don't answer questions on here... I explore them, just like the ideas before my birthday. I have put in to words small times I remember. In doing so I unlocked more details and endless ideas from those small events. That is the reason for my typed ramblings.

I don't know what the next 365 will hold but I will make it better then the prior 365. My only wish is for all good things for all the good people I have known, will know, loved, and will love.