Friday, February 17, 2012

stupid puzzles

I hate crossroads in life. The times when the choices presented in front of us are all grey and fuzzy but we still must choose a direction. Is it a time to start down a new path or do we just stop and observe the world for a moment hopping for bit of clarity. Making decisive choices has never been my strongest attribute and when I do I seem to pick paths that make sense with the information, details, and state of mind I have at the time. A few times now I have made really good choices. They have brought me great joy. But when looking at the past it is the bad choices we remember because they seem cause the most lasting effects. It takes longer to bounce back from the bad things that happen. We all get a little gun-shy when big choices come our way.

Over the last several years I have been more decisive. I have been making choices far in advance so that proper planning can take place. So that all the puzzle pieces can fall together and make the bigger picture work. The issue I have found myself in several times.. what happens when fate or situations arise that disrupt the puzzle. The picture you are trying to build is clouded and not as clear as it was before. This is something that I find hard to describe in the words that make sense. I am not talking about things that detour your path... I am talking about things that make you question the bigger picture you are shooting for. In all my life I have never really been able to paint a great picture of my future. I have ideas of what it want it to look like. But I have always been missing details. I figured as I move forward those details would emerge and become clear. I have found however that experience sometimes adds to the confusion and blurs the picture. My emotional growth has always caused the biggest changes in my view. Trying to build the puzzle when people keep tossing miss colored pieces in the pile doesn't make for a good-looking picture. So what to do... decide to stick with the original design or change it to include the new additional pieces. Every time to date I have lived to regret the choice I have made. Sometimes I didn't realize it for many years and sometimes I know instantly it was wrong. Some choices can never be unmade, cost dearly to change, or in my case, I am too stubborn to admit I was wrong until it is too late to change.

In the last year situations have forced me to put some emotional things aside because basic needs had to be fulfilled first. Food on the table and roof over head stuff. With that sidelined, I have been able to paint a very clear simple straightforward picture of the future. It is the first time I have had a clear picture in a while. It feels really good to have the basics out-of-the-way and not worried about anymore, to a point. But now all the other emotional stuff is back in play and everything is getting mucked up again...

So the world is bringing me back to one of those directional questions. Stop and take a moment to decide. Should I start a new picture, change to include the new pieces, stay on the path (second star to the right and straight on till morning). What choices we make change the picture forever.

As always... I might just be over thinking everything. :)


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