Monday, April 30, 2012

The past truth

Tonight I realized that, not for the first time, I have missed out knowing someone in my family the way I should have gotten to know them. I know that they have more thoughts and ideas that are similar to my own then anyone I have met in my travels. My oldest brother is an enigma like me. We grew up in different decades lived very different lives; yet there is a similar spark that makes us exactly alike. It is a scary level of alikeness that has never really made me comfortable. There is a shell I sense around my bother that I have never seen inside of. That shell keeps me on edge... keeps me on my toes when I talk or am around him. I don't know why this is...

I think of myself every time I sense this shell. I think of why I have my own shell I hide in and I think of everything I hide in that shell. And that scares me more to learn what is there than knowing it exists and ignoring it. I have made peace with my past, so so speak. I have accepted the choices I have made. Not that I am proud or happy about them just that I know what I have done.

I try to think that I don't hide my past. But not being open and upfront about it is a type of hiding. If someone were to ask a question I would not answer untruthfully. I would be as honest as the situation would allow. Location is the key to telling a completely honest answer. Given that we don't always have the ability to choose when and where truths are revealed it is always best to keep them hidden forever. I hope everyday that some things about my past will stay that way. Not that I have ever done truly bad things... just that I don't want to loose control over the information that makes up my life.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

My first post about a bad day (revisited)

I love technology. That is no secret! With a simple click of my mouse I sorted my posts and pulled up the oldest thing I ever posted. It has been nearly 4 years since I posted my first ever blog post (HERE: At the time I was a total disaster. Little did I know that putting those few words on the all but forgotten website called MySpace would end up changing my life. I thought it might help relieve some of the stresses that haunted me... get my pain out in to the world for people to see and not held in anymore. I started that post with hate and vengeance in my heart and mind. I started to post it to strike back but I remember editing it over and over and over again to weed out the things that weren't the real me. It was crude and almost childish in nature and form, but it started a landslide that had only grown as the days and months and now years have past. That landslide has stripped away everything that was my shell at that time. All the layers and walls I put up to make myself look like what I thought everyone expected and what I thought I was supposed to be. It has been a long long road from that day. God, if he exists, may not even be able to tell you everything that has shaped me since then. I know I can't but my blog holds most of that data.

Today wasn't a bad day. Today, I ended up with something on my mind that I was not expecting when I started. A choice, that may determine my future for a long time to come. The choice put in front of me right now wasn't a huge deal when I first saw it because I had made up my mind. I KNEW what I wanted and I planed my day to make it happen. I didn't plan on a choice, I planed on a dictation, a speech, a conversation with only one end. "The best laid plans of both mice and men..." It went as expected in every other way I could imagine, but, this damned choice has become a lot more difficult to process than I expected. So, naturally, I am on this blog working though the swirling thoughts in my mind and trying to figure out what that heart of mine is thinking as well.

I don't know what to do... on one hand I have the possibility of stability and a second chance to try and make something that I have only dreamed of. But possible isn't firm ground to tread on. The second hand provides more tangible unknowns but offers a return to something familiar and solid where potential is plentiful and possibilities are as numerous as grains of sand. Neither road is all glitter and gold and only two holds something of firmness that I can't see down one. But choosing the second hand puts up a Great Wall that can't ever be removed.

For now I have to push off the choice and roll with some of both. Walk the line between the possibilities of hand one without the wall of hand two. Until the more firm facts are available about the unknowns of hand two it will all have to remain in limbo.

So here is to the better days that came from that first post... cheers.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

the wow

Things are about to get the wow factor added back in for the first time in a long time. The choices I made that I now know are imminent make me nervous. I started down the path of finding who I was and becoming better in the process. I made some choices through that time that has led me to discovering things I wouldn't have imagined coming up during such a journey. Today I know things about myself I would have never discovered if I hadn't made the choices to leave my home and move across the country. To branch out a little and see the parts of the world I thought I was missing. Yes this has led to be understanding some things that are very different than I expected but at the same time it hasn't been the happiest move. The things that happened after making such a move has made me a little gun shy of trying it again. But you only have one life and that life time isn't something to be wasted. There is an old saying, if it isn't broke don't fix it. Well keeping things the status quo is not always the best thing in the world. Sometimes changing what works leads to making things even better. I tried it and now I am trying to get back to my status quo.